A Humorous Look at the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac

I hope you appreciate that these are entirely tongue-in-cheek and do not intend to offend. Our contributor, Jyotishi Alison Nielson, wrote some of these lists as noted. - Michael

The Twelve Signs At Christmas
What Each Sign Looks Forward to About Christmas
What Each Sign of the Zodiac is Thankful For (Not!)
Childrearing Philosophies of the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac
The Twelve Signs on Childrearing
The Twelve Signs of the Zodiac Plan a Date
Women of Each Sign Discuss How to Be Sexy and Catch a Lover
What Males of the Twelve Signs Think Appeals to Women
Food Preferences of the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac
The Twelve Signs Play Santa
What Each Sign Wants for Christmas
The Twelve Signs at the Office Holiday Party
How to Tell What Sign A Person Is By the Way They Shop

The Twelve Signs At Christmas

by Alison Nielson (premavratini@yahoo.com)

Aries - Decides to get dressed up in fire engine red and play Santa. Showing off for the eager little kids, he climbs on the roof, takes a tumble and spends Christmas in a neck brace.
Taurus - Visions of sugarplums. And sugar cookies and gingerbread and fruitcake and eggnog and Christmas ham.
Gemini - Should I go skiing in St. Moritz or surfing at Waikiki?
Cancer - Decorates a beautiful tree, puts up lights in the yard, hangs the stockings and sits by the fire waiting for the kids to come home.
Leo - I wonder what Santa is bringing me for Christmas this year? I hope he read my letter carefully. Last year was really unacceptable-I mean, really, K-mart? Everyone knows I only wear designer brands.
Virgo - Works 60 hours getting Christmas ready at her favorite charity. Collapses and spends Christmas at home in bed.
Libra - Sets up an online business selling post-season Christmas items at a discount.
Scorpio - Visits Transylvania, obtains a genealogical certificate to prove matrilineal descent from Count Dracula.
Sagittarius - Wins the lottery and shops and shops and shops for friends and family, presenting each with a stocking the size of a car.
Capricorn - Spends Christmas at the North Pole helping Santa decide who was good and who was bad and deciding who gets how much.
Aquarius - Writes a book on the historical origins of Christmas.
Pisces - Dresses up as Santa, goes to a bad part of town and starts passing out presents to poor children. Gets mugged and peacefully hands over wallet. Spends Christmas calling credit card companies.

What Each Sign Looks Forward to About Christmas

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

Aries - Sledding, skiing, ice skating and climbing a few small mountains for fun during the Christmas break from work.
Taurus - Cookies, fruitcake, eggnog, turkey, stuffing, and more! And this is just the week before Christmas.
Gemini - Parties, shopping, gabbing, and text-messaging all my friends.
Cancer - Going to Mother's house, and enjoying her special recipes such as Fried Bologna Wonderbake and Noodle Pie. Also just being with family and friends from early childhood.
Leo - "I" can finally get some of the things that "I" have always wanted and deserved. I can be the star of the Christmas party and the golden one at the New Year's party.
Virgo - Wrapping each present perfectly and oh-so-thoughtfully picking out just the right thing for just the right person.
Libra - Schmoozing, relating to friends, and being the one who balances everyone's feelings at holiday gatherings.
Scorpio - Weighing up how each Christmas interaction can benefit me in business during the next calendar year. Calculating how much "bang for the buck" each present will give.
Sagittarius - Organizing and leading outdoor Christmas caroling followed by a midnight outdoor party in the park.
Capricorn - Figuring out how to spend the least amount of money and still have people like me (or tolerate me) for the next year.
Aquarius - New computer software, new computer hardware and more gadgets, gadgets, gadgets!
Pisces - Losing oneself in the glorious feelings of giving, receiving, and sharing- a sort of Mystical Shopping Experience.

What Each Sign of the Zodiac is Thankful For (Not!)

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

Aries - For patience and being a good follower
Taurus - For being slim, trim and not money-hungry
Gemini - For constancy and hard work
Cancer - "Thank you, God, for giving me such a 'thick skin'."
Leo - For being humble, down-to-earth and simple
Virgo - For a "go with the flow" attitude and never correcting others
Libra - For decisiveness
Scorpio - "Thanks for helping me have no hidden agendas."
Sagittarius - For meekness, quietness, and evenness
Capricorn - For being the life of the party and being perennially young at heart
Aquarius - For unconditional Love and being non-judgmental
Pisces - For logic and decisiveness

Childrearing Philosophies of the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

Aries - Give children lots of healthy, outdoor sports activities
Taurus - Nurse them until they are five years old
Gemini - Communicate with children; speak with them in three different languages
Cancer - Nurture children emotionally
Leo - Feed their ego; pump up their sense of self worth. Treat them like royalty.
Virgo - Children must learn to correct their mistakes and learn exactness!
Libra - Learn to relate to others and work in pairs.
Scorpio - Children should learn to sense the subtle poisons in our air, food and water. Also, pretend to be sympathetic to others so that you can find their hidden weaknesses.
Sagittarius - Give children lots of freedom and running around outside!
Capricorn - Teach children to work and save their money. Now, clean your room!
Aquarius - Help children learn to see the cosmic patterns in their lives and in Nature.
Pisces - Feel the oneness with the whole Universe.

The Twelve Signs on Childrearing

by Alison Nielson (premavratini@yahoo.com)

Aries - Kids need to be active. Take 'em outdoors and to martial arts class.
Taurus - Feed them and help them learn to watch TV.
Gemini - Learning to socialize is good and I'm busy. Take 'em to daycare.
Cancer - Raising a child is so important. They must be properly nurtured and treated sensitively.
Leo - Do you think she looks better in Gucci or Prada?
Virgo - Children get dirty so easily. Keep them indoors and wash them a lot.
Libra - A balanced life is everything. Make sure they get to ballet lessons and music lessons and learn to speak a foreign language.
Scorpio - Remember "Lord of the Flies." There is no telling what the little beasts get up to.
Sagittarius - Children are such a precious gift. They are the future of humanity. Play with them and give them lots of freedom.
Capricorn - Children should be seen but not heard…AND they are expensive.
Aquarius - My baby is an Indigo Child. He is very special. That is why I am home schooling.
Pisces - Rain, Sun and Moon taught me so much about myself.

The Twelve Signs of the Zodiac Plan a Date

by Alison Nielson (premavratini@yahoo.com)

Aries - An arduous hike followed by chili dogs and a boxing match
Taurus - Six course candlelit dinner, then inspired love poetry and a guitar solo
Gemini - Round of golf followed by a large garden cocktail party
Cancer - Quiet home cooked meal with deep intimate sharing (incidentally, home is close to the bedroom)
Leo - Fifth Avenue shopping spree, then take a limo to a fine Italian restaurant
Virgo - Origami class followed by visit to ultra hygienic restaurant designed for the chemically sensitive
Libra - Dinner at moderately priced chain restaurant, then a video showing of "When Harry Met Sally"
Scorpio - "Phantom of the Opera," nightcap in Goth bar, pretended sympathy filled with scary sex vibes of intense longing
Sagittarius - Gallop in the mountains followed by helicopter trip to remote lodge that serves game
Capricorn - A walk (it's free) and Dutch dinner at the local greasy spoon
Aquarius - Social protest march followed by vegan barbeque with tree people
Pisces - Whatever you want to do is fine by me

Women of Each Sign Discuss How to Be Sexy and Catch a Lover

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

NOTE: This is meant to be light-hearted and silly; please take it in the spirit in which it was intended.
Aries - Lead him by the you-know-what
Taurus - - the bigger the better
Gemini - Dancing, flirting and lots of action (men, women - who cares?)
Cancer - Every man wants his mother
Leo - Be the unobtainable Queen of the known Universe. Even if you don't catch your man, you will love seeing them grovel
Virgo - Perennially virginal, but hot under the covers
Libra - Equality and fair play. Wear harmonious colors
Scorpio - Sizzle! Spark! And little nips here and there
Sagittarius - Don't fence me in! So many men, so little time
Capricorn - You must plan. Marriage is warfare. Today's battle won is tomorrow's wealth
Aquarius - Find a "walk-in" who is a registered Democrat and drives a Saab
Pisces - It's all feelings. Don't bother me with details

What Males of the Twelve Signs Think Appeals to Women

by Alison Nielson (premavratini@yahoo.com)

NOTE: This is meant to be light-hearted and silly; please take it in the spirit in which it was intended.
Aries - Big muscles, red sports cars, money, power, prestige…and being able to beat up the other guy!
Taurus - Lavish surroundings, great food, wine, song and dance. And money.
Gemini - Great conversation. Lots of change. Entertainment.
Cancer - My life story in detail. My needs and pains. My mother's recipes.
Leo - Money, power, prestige, a great wardrobe.
Virgo - Cleanliness is next to godliness. Order.
Libra - Great accounting. Going Dutch.
Scorpio - Great sex. Murder mysteries.
Sagittarius - A positive attitude. Lots of adventures. Unchecked optimism.
Capricorn - Take her to the Presbyterian Church FREE Potluck Dinner in his black suit and white shirt.
Aquarius - Medieval science instruments. Spacecraft and the beings that pilot them.
Pisces - Your life story in detail. Your needs and pains. Your mother's recipes.

Food Preferences of the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

Aries - Spicy, with lots of meat!
Taurus - Quantity is more important than quality
Gemini - Snacks, hors d'oeuvres, fun food to enhance conversation
Cancer - Diary products, especially sweets
Leo - Only the best!
Virgo - Lots of natural foods, emphasizing vegetables. They must be prepared exactly right.
Libra - A balanced diet
Scorpio - Seafood, shrimp and crawfish with a hidden Zing
Sagittarius - Hunter's fare, trail mix and camping food.
Capricorn - Plain worker's food. It must not cost much.
Aquarius - Space Age foods emphasizing vitamins and dried foods
Pisces - Seafood. Also soups and stews. Use seaweed. Macrobiotics are good.

The Twelve Signs Play Santa

by Alison Nielson (premavratini@yahoo.com)

Aries - Toy guns, gold coins, adventure maps
Taurus - Chocolate, video games, a comforter
Gemini - Dungeons and Dragons, Let's Go! Italy, jigsaw puzzles
Cancer - aquarium, toy train, baby doll
Leo - miniature Porsche, Rolex, Oakley shades
Virgo - embroidery kit, latex gloves, antibiotic soap
Libra - How to Win Friends and Influence People, gift certificate to Barnes and Noble, violin
Scorpio - Picture book of medieval torture devices, "The Count of Monte Cristo", ant farm
Sagittarius - Jumbo crayons, hula hoops, Swiss Army knives
Capricorn - Joke book, "Think Rich", coal
Aquarius - Third world dolls, organic oranges, Dr. Seuss on recycled paper
Pisces - kaleidoscope, biography of Jesus, goldfish

What Each Sign Wants for Christmas

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

Aries - To conquer the world; will settle for a big leather belt
Taurus - A ten-year gift subscription to gourmet magazine; also learning to "channel" the spirit of Julia Childs
Gemini - More technology. More, more!
Cancer - Three days a month of "rent-a-mother" services
Leo - A diamond-studded, leather bound copy of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous"
Virgo - Everything green - clothes, food, thumb, jewelry and house
Libra - Private lessons with the most famous interior decorator in town
Scorpio - His or her own private copy of "Poisons Prepared From Household Plants"
Sagittarius - Two weeks at a dude ranch
Capricorn - The book "101 Cheap Ways to Fix Up Your House"
Aquarius - Channeling UFOs and hosting the "first international extraterrestrial conference"
Pisces - The world's biggest fish tank

The Twelve Signs at the Office Holiday Party

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

Office holiday parties can bring out the best -- and the worst -- in your co-workers. With this humorous list, you can identify the twelve signs at your office holiday party:

Bragging about all her great successes. --> Leo.
Tasting everything and saying, "This is the best ---- I ever ate." --> Taurus.
"Can't stay. Gotta go. Two more parties to go to." --> Sagittarius.
"Tell me all your problems." --> Cancer.
Tries to tell a joke in Klingonese. --> Aquarius.
Cold, surly and wears dark colors. --> Capricorn.
Pushy, arrogant and constantly picking fights with different people. --> Aries.
Jabbering away in three languages and sometimes speaking all three in one sentence. --> Gemini.
Youthful, quiet, with alluring big eyes. --> Virgo.
Fits in like a chameleon with whatever group he's with. --> Libra.
"Oh, the vibrations are too much. I've got to get out of here." --> Pisces.
Exercising maximum sex appeal with a strong undertone of danger. --> Scorpio.

How to Tell What Sign A Person Is By the Way They Shop

by Michael Laughrin (Michael@jyotish.ws)

Aries - he is very pushy and quick and goes here and there very purposefully. He does not want any advice or help.
Taurus - Beware free samples at the grocery store or food court at the mall! He likes to stroll slowly, and cannot be rushed.
Gemini wants to compare prices, materials, and check out all the sales. They move very quickly BUT, VERY FREQUENTLY, they will spend 2 or 3 hours shopping and not actually buy anything.
Cancer loves lotions, perfumes and everything liquid. Also they love items that they think will beautify the home.
Leo is very self-indulgent. Do NOT go shopping with a Leo unless you are willing to play second fiddle or support staff all day long.
Virgo is earthy, sensual, but is also the pickiest of signs. The smallest imperfection will cause them to reject an item.
Libra views shopping as her own domain. After all, in Jyotish, Libra rules business. Libra is expert in bargaining, getting gift receipts, and knowing where all the sales are.
Scorpio always has a hidden agenda (or more than one) when going shopping: it may be to get the latest gossip, or to see that special someone at the mall, or to find the weak spots in the mall's security system. If you love intrigue, do go shopping with a Scorpio.
Sagittarius has 3 speeds - fast, faster and superfast. However, they are enthusiastic and will willingly drive 25 miles out of the way to accommodate your request to "check out the sales at XYZ store."
Capricorn always gets the best bargains but they are such tightwads that shopping with them is like spending your 2 week vacation in Purgatory.
Aquarius loves anything New Agey, modern, purple or philosophical.
Pisces considers shopping to be the modern, Occidental mystical path to Enlightenment. They like to "grok" with the items. This can be fun if you have 4 or 5 hours to waste.

From several issues of Michael Laughrin's North American Jyotish Newsletter. Click to subscribe to this free Jyotish newsletter.